The Diary of Killian Jones
by Eyes like Dawn
Summary: Snow White has given Captain Hook a 'diary' to keep his thoughts while they search for a way to get back to Storybrooke. My terrible humor once more. Enjoy!
1. Diary Entry I

_A/N: I would just like to say this is the product of staying up to late and far to much spiked eggnog. I'll try to stick with it, but I'm not really certain. Enjoy, lovlies!_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time...Pity.**

**~8~8~**

Dear journal,

Where do I begin upon these fresh, if not a trifle yellowed pages to dictate my journey; what do I say? Well, I suppose I should start as well as any place; the beginning, though there is not much to it.

Much has occurred since my last scripted log out in the open seas of Neverland where I chased children and terrorized the merefolk and wore huge flamboyant hats and sea coats. I haven't kept a journal, and yes, it is _not_ a diary, but a journal a manly way to keep thoughts written, since I awoke, set foot on my native land once more, and shook hands…uh hooks with that witch Cora. So many things have transpired, but I shall try to keep my dealings leading up to this new found desire to scrawl out my doings short.

In not so many words, I have been taken captive by four women. Even writing that was difficult, making me flinch, but I must keep this diary…journal, I meant journal, in order to remember exactly who I must exact vengeance upon. So far it goes something like: Rumpelstiltskin, Peter Pan, owls (because they frighten me), Tinker Bell, Emma Swann, Mulan, Aurora, and Missy Margaret, or whatever he two forked name is.

The least rabid one of my female captors gave me this small book to write upon. Mary Mission I think her name is or something to that degree. I wasn't really listening; I was trying to figure out how she and the feisty blonde could be mother and daughter. Oh but I digress, the icy lady, I shall probably call her Lady M, gave me this book so I suppose I shall have to do something while I'm sitting here tied by the neck to a tree.

Yes that's right, they took away my hook and tied be to a tree like a haltered horse! Rage cannot begin to describe my humiliated fury. Oh how it galls me to be fettered up like livestock. And that's only the beginning. I feel akin to a draft mule made to fallow fields tirelessly. Everyday it's always "Hook, carry the bags. Hook gather firewood. Hook make breakfast. Hook stand there and look sexy. Hook erect Princess Aurora's tent thingy where she does absolutely nothing!"

Do this, Hook, do that Hook it's without end! My captors are relentless with their quest to get back to their world with their mystical internet and smart phones. What is a phone and why is it smart?

Both the fierce flaxen haired woman and her 'mother' talk of missing things like pizza and the life time channel and coffee. Such oddities, but to each his own I suppose.

That blonde is the worst of them though. She taunts me with her luscious form and hard to get attitude. Those full lips, make me wish to infuriate her simply to see them purse in anger. Oh how I love it and hate it when she snaps at me. She wants me, I know she does, now all I have to do is find a way to make her mine and we'll have a whole litter of angry pirate babies.

You know what they say, "Once you go pirate you'll probably have your heart ripped out by a crazy man in a temper tantrum…." On afterthought, nobody probably says that but me.

Yes I am going there. I miss Milah, and I always will, but for heaven's sakes I am a pirate and this woman would make a fine pirate and we would make lovely pirate whelps and terrorize the seas!

I think she likes me, this intriguing, task mistress Emma Swann. She doesn't make me do all the work unlike princess, useless freaking, Aurora. You'd think the lass would ditch the flowing linen for a pair of breeches and a blade. Whenever we run into trouble all she does is stand there and look helpless. I won't lie it's quite annoying, and more annoying still I must build her tent thingy

Every.

Single.

Night.

Why, can't she sleep out under the stars like everyone else? Prissy little…

But despite all of that I have two major goals in mind as long as I am these crazy women's prisoner. First, I must escape the crazy women captors, and second I must woo this alluring Emma Swann into my arms. Is this in order? Do I care? No to both.

I'm hoping the Lady Swann will consider sharing a blanket with me some day on the lonely quest.

Oh, Emma Swann is glaring murderously at me again, I must do something to catch her lovely eyes and make them roll in annoyance. Goodbye for now Dia—Journal, I shall chew on the rope that binds me in hopes she will come around to stop me. I'll try to cop a feel and see where that leads.

If I am lucky she may throw a bucket of water on me, which will work well, since I can show of my rugged abs and muscles. Here's hoping until my next entry.

-Killian, sexy beast, Jones.

P.S must find out why Mulan is so damn grumpy. She kicks me.

P.P.S. I must remember to find a way to work shirtless; I think that will speed things up nicely to my goal of pirate wife and pirate babies.


	2. Diary Entry II

Dear Journal,

I beg you excuse the dollops of blood all over the pages as I write. Unfortunate circumstances of my own foolish making have induced upon me a grievous injury. What do you get when you forget the woman you are talking to is the mother of the woman you are tenaciously trying to seduce? The answer would be a hefty tree limb to the side of the head, and a threat to tie me up by my own chest hair and leave me for the ogres.

Perhaps I should have not oh so casually mentioned to Martha Margaret or whatever her name is I planned to commandeer the lovely Emma away, lay her upon the hot, sand by the seas, and….Well, we don't really need to go into my fantasies. Let's just agree, I should probably not voice them aloud and especially not to Swan's mother of all people.

She's still murderously brandishing the stick used to wallop me over the head. My captors are calling it the "beat Killian stick". I do not approve. But I suppose I may deserve it, just a bit for my recent attempts at escape and other unsavory actions which would include a few like: Peeking in on Aurora the useless while she was changing, dubbing them 'Killian's Harem of crazy women', steeling Mulan's sword polish and filling her helmet with bees, tripping the Lady M into a stream, and finally putting on a little striptease when I am Emma were out alone collecting fire wood.

It probably didn't help I was down to my pantaloons screaming, "**My body is ready**" to her.

Over all, I think she's warming up to me. She only chased me around with half a bush of poison ivy instead of the entire thing, and I know she took a good long look at my flexing pectorals before sneering. On my part I probably should have paid attention where I was going and swerved to avoid that thorn bush. On the bright side she did help me up and take the thorns out my face. Ah love, so hesitant to bloom.

As my father used to say before my mother poisoned him with a hemlock laced muffin, "Killian, my boy, you can get a woman to love you in two ways. Either carry her over your shoulders away to your house, or strip naked and dance for her out in the open to all and sundry."

Father was never really good with advice, but hey, it didn't hurt to try…much.

Yet, do to bodily harm; I may have to rethink my tactics to becoming freed and sweeping Swan off her feet. The handsome thing is not working out, even when I pointed out our babies would look extremely cute. Pirate babies do not remotely appeal to this woman (which is appalling). Nevertheless, I have another plan. I must be bold, dashing, and courageous to win her heart!

How shall I do this some might ask. Well it has to involve a very agreeable, rabid bear, me being shirtless at the right place and the right time all slicked up in grease, thunder crashing overhead, Lady Swan being helpless all beside a scenic cliff.

You know after writing all of this down it sounds a little farfetched. Sadly, I shall simply make the cliff a water fall for we are not by any cliffs, and to be frank doing this on a cliff is obtuse.

Speaking of the terrain about us, we are currently in a thick, wooded glade. Our trail, the one I am leading of course, is to a massive bean stalk. I hate beans, but this is where our quest leads. It's actually very convenient I lead, for when I was following I was simply staring at their behinds. All of them are lovely from their rears might I add.

On our long travels I have inquired about their world, from Lady Swan and her wonderfully un-aging mother. They relate so much of their exotic world! When someone puts up their middle finger to you it's a sign of friendship and a douchebag is a highly respected member of their tribes and villages! Their talk also stems to great carriages of steel and giant flying beasts docking at 'air ports'. They say if I am ever on a 'plane' I should jump off, and in order to avoid the great carriages I must jump in the middle of the street.

Well, it's almost time for supper, I should put away till the next time I write. Oh and I forgot, at supper I plan to ask Lady Swan if she'll have my babies once more. If that won't put her on the spot nothing will. Killian Jones you are one smart phone (Emma told me phone meant man in their world). If not, I plan to ask her every day. I'm sure she'll wear out soon and say yes.

-Killian, sexy beast, Jones

P.S I hid Auroras comb. Hell will follow, but I do so get enjoyment of her throwing a hissy fit and- OH GOD OWLS,...ahem...pay no attention to that. Thought I saw an owl.


	3. Diary Entry III

Dear Diar-Journal,

Wenches be crazy. I am so angry at Emma right now. That atrocious, sexy devil has stabbed me in the back with her claws! Here I sit on the ground with a giant beanstalk shooting from the earth!, Oh no the beanstalk does not actually provide nourishment of any sort; that would have been useful, but instead boasts a magnificent castle in the clouds.

After hours of searching through the tangled forests we finally came to the beanstalk. It then took us another four hours for the squawking women to decide who would go up with their handsome, pirate captive.

I pointed out I needed someone as gorgeous as I to accompany me on our perilous quest. They all glared at me, and brandished that blasted stick, but of course Emma scaled the beanstalk with me. Who wouldn't want to accompany a sexy piece of man candy like I?

Did I mention how I hate beanstalks? Bugs had been gnawing upon the fibers; the smell of greenery was nauseating and the higher we climbed the colder it got. A seagull even had the gall to attack me! Me being oh ATHOUSAND FEET IN THE AIR, I had to endure the wretch who made itself comfortable on the top of my head.

Emma chuckled so hard she nearly toppled from the beanstalk twice. Never have I been so utterly humiliated! Here I was trying to woo the lovely Miss Swann whilst venturing the perils of climbing fauna on steroids and a bird was situated on my head easy as you please!

But, I digress, once we got to the top and I sent a wad of feather hurtling back down to earth we begin to find a way to intrude into the castle for our shiny compass. My real hand always itches when treasure is near, and it was quaking as we neared the citadel.

A giant came out, and I bravely faced the cur with nothing more than my bravery and flashing hook. Actually, no, I ran and screamed like a girl with my hands flailing over my head. While the huge monstrosity was laughing, Emma ingeniously threw magic powder in his face. Once the big fella was down we were in!

Of course while Emma searched for the compass I busied myself with more important matters of a pirate of my sagacious station – stuffing my pantaloons with gold. There was simply so much treasure! I waddled along, my pants heavy with jewels and chalices and other things. Emma cracked a smile I'm sure.

Then things got bad. Mr. Grumpy awoke and stared stomping after us. I of course, screamed a manly scream and proceeded to run for my ever loving life. Whilst I was activating our ploy…yes, that's sounds better, once more; Emma trapped the giant in his very own trap! My girlfriend is a clever one!

After I proceeded to insult the trapped mammoth, things got bad, and not the 'oh you may have gotten something unsavory from the tavern wench bad', but a dagger had been plunged in your back bad.

Emma, saucy minx that she is, chained me to a post. And so, after pouting my most cute she still didn't let me go and left. Leaving me and the giant I shamelessly taunted in a very awkward position. He lay trapped, but Emma gave him a way to get out. I thought he would mash me and put me in a stew, but no. He finds humans far too bony and smelly for consumption, though he has a vast compendium for making human dishes. _Thank_ _heaven_… I detested the thought of being put into a pie and being baked for 45 minutes on low heat.

And so as we waited we talked, thankfully no more of how I could be devoured. He was a very intelligent giant, full of wisdom. I explained my situation and he agreed, wenches be crazy as my early epiphany suggested. My giant friend explained giant males keep their womens in check. I tried to explain I had been abused by the four crazies, but he shook his head.

After a bit of coercing and promising to come back and play checkers or something, he let me go. Unfortunately, Cora met me on the bottom.

Allow me to say once and for all; I detest Cora. She smells like peppermint and ass. She wears more useless clothes that Aurora, but I guess that's okay since she has magic and Aurora is simply useless.

She proceeded to nag me incessantly! Hook where's the compass, Hook where's the four women who captured you, Hook why are you sniveling and checking your skin to see if you would make a decent roast? The witch is very tiresome.

She looked mad, and when Cora looks mad she looks like a frog. Her skin all strains and thins and her eyes pinch like beady crow eyes. I calmly explained how I lost the compass and then she had the nerve to threaten not to take me on the trip!

I cried a little.

After a bit of begging and deal making, we came to a consensus. I let her squeeze my rump and I can go with her.

So I am once more with the nagging Cora as we hunt down my former captors. How I dream of Emma Swann and our pirate babies. Ah well, until another day.

Killian, sexy beast, Jones

P.S I stole this dried bean from the giant as a souvenir. I tried eating it, but cracked my teeth. Curse you evil magic giant bean!


	4. Diary Entry IV

Dear Diary, damn. Oh well forget it it's not like anyone is going to read this anyway; I can call it what I please.

I write today as the happiest, utmost sexy man who has ever to roam the enchanted forest. Of course that is every day, but today was a bit more special.

Cora, bless her utterly terrifying heart managed to locate my four former captors. I of course suggested we dig a big pit and cover it with leaves then string a bit of chocolate atop. Women can't resist chocolate or so the delectable Miss Swann and her mother always claimed on our ventures.

Of course, Cora had other ideas. With a flick of her hand she raised the dead and sent them forth to hunt down the quartet of women. I on the other hand was left all by my lonesome whilst the froggy old hag cackled manically while we wait.

When we once more capture the women I will be certain she allows Swann to live. I have told her, Swann is off limits. I saw her first and Cora can't kill her! The witch then asked what I planned to do with my beautiful Swann. I informed her of my plans of pirate babies and pirate wife and sailing the seas and frolicking through flowers and other things worthy of my dastardly piratic station.

I have never heard Cora laugh, nor would I wish to again….

Oh what's this, there appears to me some noise outside. It sounds as though Cora is shrieking in rage or joy; it's difficult to tell. Perhaps the ghouls have brought back the women and my bride to be.

[Sudden end of entry which picks up hours later]

Well, many apologies for running off, but it was far too important to be alone scribbling in my majestic, manly diary. Unfortunately not one of the zombies managed to capture one of the maidens fair. Ah but Killian, sexy beast, Jones did not fail! Whilst I was running in the woods to dodge Cora's anger, I happened to pass the hole I had dug. And low and behold I had caught a female.

And who would I have happened to catch? No, not the warrior princess Mulan or the former outlaw Snow White, nor even the tough as nails Swann. Who did I catch with a leaf covered hole? Of course the only one inexperienced enough to be caught! Aurora.

Utterly

Useless

Aurora.

I did a little happy dance around her shackled form once I dragged her up from the pit and threatened to throw a tiger down if she didn't come up. How does it feel Aurora to finally not be able to push me around without your mean plate bound body guard!

While I revealed in her capture, I knew Cora was less than pleased. She didn't want or need Aurora, but the others with the compass. Off topic for a moment, I had to ask her besides for going to see her daughter in the faraway world, what did she possibly need in the new land?

Of course the rest of the evil queens, witches, women with magic and grudges all were taken to the new land. They once long ago formed a coven known as the Association of Sinister Sisters. I call them A.S.S. Anyway, she plans upon uniting the force again and ruling the land with an iron fist.

Back on point, I had to find something to do with Aurora. My first though was to force her to build a tent thingy for me so I could sit under it and look helpless, but I didn't. Instead I took her heart. I had always wanted to do that and in the words of Emma Swann, "Yolo". I assume it's some form of battle cry in their world or maybe a brain illness; I'm not entirely sure.

With her heart I planned to present it to Cora and show her I can be just as mean. Oddly enough she was pleased. She said it would enable us to achieve our goals. She then took to cackling insanely for an hour. Afterwards, before we set Aurora free, we did the most important thing since we had awakened. I challenged her to a fierce game of hacky-sack with Aurora's heart.

Cora, for all her age and shrewdness is a magnificent hacky-sack player. You should have seen her with her dress hitched up as she battled with me to win Hacky-sack. After she won, we figured we might put it to other uses. Cora took it with her to do magic things, and that's been my day. I think I shall go to sleep now and dream of Emma, my heart.

Killian, sexy beast, Jones.


	5. Diary Entry V

Dear Diary,

Much sadness and victory has befallen me since last I wrote. I no longer find myself in my old world, but in the new where my love calls home. But first, allow me to explain the situation in which found me in this strange land.

Cora, mean woman that she is, used Aurora the useless' heart to lure the women to Rumpelstiltskin's old cell. The crumbling palace was a fetid, wretched place built upon a very treacherous piece of land that hovers just over perilous rocks and rough waters. Whoever thought that would be a good place to build a castle needs to be drawn and quartered! The place was deserted save for the women who treaded the dungeons below and a couple of teenagers and a dog in a big green cart called the Mystery Machine….

If I told you all that occurred from the bats chasing me to being caught in dusty cobwebs and rescuing a ditz named Daphne, this jotted epistle would last all of the summer and fall. However, smart, sexy pirate that I am I shall make this short.

Cora's plot worked wondrously! We lured the women to the unbreakable cell wherein Aurora thought she saw a spider and threw the compass at the lever for the dungeon. Once the women were locked in, we of course revealed ourselves and strutted in victoriously. And by strut, I mean strut! I have amazing hips. Anyway, we took the compass and Cora took her 5 minutes to gloat. I on the other hand attempted with all my might to turn the enchanting Emma to my side. I even wiggled my eyebrows and pouted...

Again I told her of the wondrous pirate babies, and how lovely a family we would make. I even offered cookies (for I am a baker, after a pirate) and still she refused! Stubborn, beautiful woman, ye shall be mine!

After my hopes dashed and Cora finished her incessant cackling we hurried to the place of the old lake. I was already with my boat, stuck in the dried bed of dust. Cora magicked up water for the lake, and we were prepared to leap in to the strange new world, then lo and behold the women, Missy Margaret, and her striking daughter appear! Mean Mulan was there, but I avoided her.

It was so wonderful even I had to cheer. Cora promptly jabbed her boney elbow into my ribs to silence me, but I cheered just the same. Ah, to see my love so blood thirsty, like any good pirate wife to be. Her sword work, for only a few weeks, is excellent. I, a legendary pirate who practiced everyday with my poniard was bested by a leather clad, woman who talked of strange things called 'guns' and held her sword at the wrong end.

Still, a fair challenge she was and ended up beating me. In truth, I let her, for I could not strike one as lovely as the fair haired enchantress. I had hoped she felt the same but alas she did not.

At least, in retrospect, she did not spill my guts upon the shore when she easily could have. I shall take this as a good sign. She wants me, and not in the dead way!

I lost consciousness long enough so that when I awoke, I only saw Cora trying to rip my loves heart out. My heart plummeted, but also rejoiced for surely the bitter old nag would give me the heart of my beloved! Then, despite all hopes, the heart stayed lodged in her chest like a bone stuck in the gullet! True I was happy, but also sad I could not have her heart. Do not mistake me, I would have given it back, but only when I was certain we were in the middle of the ocean with no one else but us with an entire world to repopulate.

After the shocking moment, Cora was promptly defeated and the pair of mother and daughter disappeared in the water vortex. As I awoke fully, so did Cora. So angry was she, she took my dried bean souvenir from the giant and tossed it in the lake. The water began to froth and roil and I leap aboard my ship and suddenly we are in the bay of Storybrooke!

The joureny itself was a bit hazy. I remember seeing a witch of a broom and a strange house twirling through the air. However, at the end of our journey, we found ourself in a vast body of water with mist laden land before us!

Storybrooke is a very strange place. All about me, the boats looked so bizarre. Where are the wood and the sails? Buildings erected of steel and not hovels of mud line the streets and shoreline. Bright blinking lights are all about blocking out the stars.

When we landed on shore, I immediately knew our first trouble. By staring at posters of scantily clad women plastered on building sides and women who got into rumbling black carriages, we would stick out like…like a pirate and a witch in a world where it is the normal thing to bathe every day and wear shoes not made of linen sacks or wood.

Cora seemed to recognize our plight as well and we industriously sought to seek a place where we would 'fit in' without too much notice. After hours of milling the near deserted streets we broke into a store that displayed beheaded, stuffed women in their front windows. When that proved a difficult place to gain new regalia (mostly because they had nothing for me) we found the grand bazaar of Storybrooke, a place where even in the middle of the night, the torches flickered. It was called: Wal-Mart.

And I love it.

We entered the brashly lit shop as pirate and sorceress, we left looking as regular citizens of this vast new world. Cora sported an all pink garb known as a 'track suit'. Her new 'tennis shoes' were pink and she even had a head band to complete the set! In favor of a wand, she now hefted two pink weights in either hand.

I donned a large 'I love Storybrooke' tunic and things called 'shorts' that displayed my gangly, hairy legs. On my feet were things called 'socks' that I stylishly added to things called blue strapped things called 'flip-flops'. I completed my veiled wear with a pair of stunning dark pieces of glass that went over my eyes.

Our disguises complete we looked as natives of the new, barbarous land where roaring devils race down the road and boxes capture little people and force them into entertainment.

Tired, Cora summoned us back to the veiled Jolly Roger, were I now finish this log and prepare for a new day to win my love, and kill my enemy. I can't wait to see was the morrow brings!

Killian, sexy beast, Jones,

P.S. Cora is out doing something called 'jogging'.


End file.
